Tiny House Family Christmas
Posted by Hari Berzins on Dec 27, 2011 in Recent Posts | 12 comments
This was too raw when I was going through it, so I wasn’t comfortable with posting it. Neither were the kids. Now, it feels okay. It’s the truth! The light IS returning, and I am feeling much more hopeful.
Written on December 27, 2011
I have been deeply sad in the last weeks. Sadness is not comfortable for me and I usually do everything I can to run from it. It’s easier for me to put on a happy face and fake it. But, as I near forty, the authenticity I crave won’t allow for that. So, I’m stuck with this sadness and all its layers. Maybe all the sadness I’ve run from for 38 years?
And it’s dark and it’s Christmas and we live in a house with a foot print of 168 feet. And the kids want a Christmas tree. I can’t convince them that we should leave all the Christmas boxes in storage. Where the heck can we put 3 more boxes of stuff? I spin a plan of decorating for the birds. We’ll get a tree for the deck and make ornaments from bird seed. Or course, that won’t do. So I give in (but not all the way) and find a 3 ft. tree in a pot that fits on the side cabinet next to the couch. Papa and I had plans to go to storage and just take a few things out of the Christmas box, but the kids were adamant about taking it all. Thankfully, our Christmas stuff is purged, but still. . . given that I’ve been feeling like a caged animal, three more boxes could send me over the edge. So, we put the boxes in the shed and only took the small one down to the house. We hung that stuff in 3 minutes flat, and the kids shot out the door. “Where are you going?! Shut the door!!” They came back lugging the giant box down the hill. “What are you doing!?? We can’t bring all that in here. Where will we put ourselves?”
“Come on, Mommy. We need all of the ornaments and we want the skate-boarding penguin.”
“Ahhh!”
But, there’s no stopping the determination that runs in our family, so I let go.
Pandora’s James Brown (Holiday) Radio was rockin’ the tiny house as we decorated. There are ornaments three deep on every branch of our little tree. They hang from windows, shelves, hooks. The kids even fit a tree in their loft. This place looks like a tiny Christmas store.
When we finished, we turned off the lights and Stevie Wonder’s “One Little Christmas Tree (can light up the world)” played. My tears started flowing. From our little tree in our tiny house (where I’ve been feeling so blue) red, green, orange and pink lights circled the planet. My sadness turned to hope. The darkest day is here. I know the light is returning.
It’s a new thing for me to allow the darkness in to fully penetrate, to be still and patient with it. I’ve walked (run) through darkness many times before. This is the first time I’ve sat with it.
Here are some things:
- Feeling sad and raw comes with clarity of vision.
- Allowing things to be what they are takes away the stress of making them something else, which doesn’t work anyway.
- A puppy can make things all better!
- Being fully myself is scary when I am trying to fit in.
Brené Brown ah-ha moment:
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
I wholeheartedly recommend The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
Simply,
Hari
P.S.
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Brilliantly written. It’s good to know that your friends are human too. I have had quite a lot of dealing with questions which is like “sitting with darkness”. I know exactly what you mean. I didn’t feel better until I started to just quit asking and start living in the moment I was in. I am still working on that. Puppies do solve everything! And you have the cutest and fluffiest puppy in the whole world! I wish I could kiss that puppy. You will always come out the other side, because you are filled with light. I am sorry you have been stifled. Hang in there …….you are a hero.
Love ya, Mama! You know you have a really beautiful way with words. I am really looking forward to seeing you and whenever you and the fam want a get away….come to the Larsen B&B! Hope you are feeling sunshiny!!!(Me- Not so great with words)
Love ya, Kerri. I can’t wait for our next visit to the Larsen B & B! I am feeling much more sunshiny now, thank you!! ox
So much love for you, Amy. I hope you are well and happy! ox
Nicely written and I like the clarity you’ve gained. Jesus was attributed as saying, “I am the light of the world”. I think that you/we are in fact that light. In reading your reference to fitting in, I’m reminded of another quote (lyrics, actually), “Don’t break the mold, kid, just eat around it.”
Hey, Arvore, we’ll have to talk about that lyric next time we visit. Sounds intriguing.
You are suffering from light deprivation. You need a few minutes of exposure to a strong light for 10-30 minutes in AM. Dont stare at it-just have it facing you less than 3 feet away. The light needs to be 5000 kelvin color temperature.These are available online for app 125 dollars. In a pinch used video lights work well but the lamps have a limited life. Have also found that not eating bread or sugar and not eating after dark helps. A supplement-5-HTP 100mg calms and helps with carb cravings. Google SAD ie,seasonal affective disorder. Hope this helps. Namaste, Curtis
Thank you, Curtis!
Yes, we must face the darkness so we can see the light (inside of us) more clearly.
Glad for you that you know you cannot hide from yourself.
So true, Patricia. No matter how hard I try, I cannot hide from myself. It is frightening to present my vulnerability to the world, but I have been rewarded by friends saying, “Thank you. I have been feeling like that, too.” As soon as we shine light on our darkness, it isn’t as dark. So simple. So challenging. Knowing I can help someone else feel “AH! It isn’t just me!” makes sharing worthwhile.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting.
Wow, what wonderful children to create hope! The best Christmas I ever had, we (the parents) had to go out for the evening and gave permission for the boys to decorate the house (they were old enough to be safe). We came home to a scene we never would have created, but man was it gorgeous.
What that feeling is, is called S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). It comes from lack of vitamin D. Take suppliments, or pick up a sunlamp that you use everyday. I learned all this after dealing with the same for many, many years. Getting out into the light as often as possible, and a lamp have helped me these past few years in ways I never realized!